


this is my voice

by gaykavinsky (lesbiankavinsky)



Category: American Vandal (TV)
Genre: M/M, Trans Character, also referenced jebi but like. just referenced, au where the doc doesn't get picked up by netflix, slash the sam's being in blatantly in love w peter diaries, this is just like sam's t diaries, trans sam AND trans peter bc legally you cannot stop me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-17 05:42:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16968729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbiankavinsky/pseuds/gaykavinsky
Summary: Peter cons Sam into making a vlog diary of his first year on T. Sam has shitty impulse control, especially when it comes to filtering what he says out loud, even in front of a camera. Nothing could possibly go wrong.





	1. Chapter 1

**Transcript: Video titled “June,” posted June 5, 2017 to YouTube channel “transketchuppacket”**

**[Sam sits at his desk, wearing a Fair Isle sweater. Behind him is his messy room.]** Hi, my name is Sam Ecklund, and this is my voice one day on T. Not much has changed. Obviously. But this is sort of my baseline recording so I can track progress and stuff. So I got my first shot today. Didn’t freak out even a little even though needles are terrifying, so I want it on the record that I am extremely brave. I’m doing like. Three more appointments? Yeah, a month. And then I start self-injecting, which like, frankly, I deserve some kind of medal of valor, but whatever. So anyway, these videos. My best friend, Peter, did these like very basic “this is my voice one month on T” voice recordings and he’s been nagging me about how that’s like his life’s biggest regret that he didn’t keep more detailed records of changes on T and just what was going on in his life during his first year on hormones. So, with deep and sincere self-loathing and the simple desire to get Peter off my fucking back, I am going to start a vlog. Once a month for the next year. Peter made like a little reminder on my phone for the fifth of each month because otherwise I definitely would forget. ADHD goblin brain. So uh. Notable stuff in my life recently. Just finished junior year, so looking forward to three months of avoiding my parents so they can’t make me work on college apps. Um. God this is weirdly painful. Peter, I’m going to kill you for making me do this. I love talking about me, like this is one of my favorite hobbies, why is this hard?

**[Cut to Sam bouncing a tennis ball against the wall. After a few bounces he misses catching it and it smacks him in the forehead.]** OW.

**[Cut to Sam rolling backward across the floor in his wheelie chair. The back wheels hit a pile of dirty clothes and the chair tips back. Sam goes out of frame.]**

**[Cut to Sam, back at the desk, chin resting on his folded arms.]** Okay whatever I’m just going to tell you a story. Yes it involves Peter, yes this is partially just a revenge scheme to punish him for talking me into doing this. So last year, when we were sophomores, me and Peter made this doc about someone vandalizing a bunch of teachers’ cars which like, incredibly long story short, is why Peter who like, for the record, is a nerd’s nerd, like, he legit had perfect attendance once year, ended up being bros with this stoner kid, Dylan. So Dylan is like, predictably always offering Peter weed and Peter’s always like no, I’m a fucking nerd, I have asthma, and somehow, because Dylan is Dylan, it took him like, a full year to come up with the idea of giving Peter edibles. But apparently Dylan wanted to make Peter some brownies or something to celebrate the end of the school year and then he was like WAIT I could make _brownie_ brownies so like, the last day of school Peter went over to his place after classes let out and like an hour later he calls me and just like, starts telling me about his favorite words, which are all like, super long and obscure. So here’s like, stoned out of his mind Peter being like, hey Sam, Sammy, have you ever thought about how beautiful the word _monachopsis_ is? So if you’ve ever wanted to know what Peter Maldonado is like high, now you know. He just gets sappy about four syllable words.

**[Sam pauses, his expression changing to something more thoughtful.]** Okay so like to be fair to Peter, he’s not always like that. Like getting high _literally_ makes him a bigger nerd than I’ve ever seen him in like normal life. Like yeah, he never skips school and he wears fucking polo shirts, but he actually has a sense of humor and can have fun and stuff, and it kind of pisses me off when people think he’s just boring. I mean yeah, he takes some stuff super seriously but not like, _everything_ . So okay for example, the last weekend before summer break, when we were both crazy stressed about finals and stuff, we were studying together and he was like okay, our brains are too fried to get anything done, we need a study break. We ended up just lying on the living room floor and throwing popcorn in the air and trying to catch it in our mouths while Peter just spitballed ideas for another season of _American Vandal_ . That’s the doc that we made, by the way. Peter always wanted to do something like it again, and like, not just because it’s the most successful thing he’s ever done -- sorry did that sound bitchy? -- anyway, I mean he really loved that project and he really cares about like, proving that the people we make snap judgments about are basically never quite who we think they are. So anyway we’re like, making a huge mess on the floor and occasionally eating like a single piece of popcorn while Peter’s like, okay imagine a season of _Vandal_ where we’re investigating crop circles that some conspiracy theorist farmer got accused of doing. Or like, a season of _Vandal_ where we’re investigating frat house arson that a super vocal lesbian campus activist got accused of doing. And he was just doing one after another and like -- okay so I will be literally the first person to say that all of Peter’s stuff before _Vandal_ fucking sucked and like most of the movies he’s super into fucking suck but also? I don’t know, like just off the top of his head he can come up with so many stories. And it’s basically just because like, he super sincerely believes that people are really cool and interesting and like, particular. Like the Marge Simpson holding a potato meme. Like Peter looks at people and is just like, I just think they’re neat! Which honestly might be my favorite thing about him. Okay this was supposed to be a story about how Peter can have a sense of humor and it just turned into like, Peter Maldonado is a great person, here’s why! Also this started with me wanting to make fun of Peter because he’s making me vlog. What the fuck. Okay, whatever. I have to go to dinner and I’ve officially said a bunch of words so that’s it! See ya next month.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Sam] Okay, so we’ve been friends --
> 
> [Peter] Best friends --
> 
> [Sam] Best friends since third grade, which means we’ve known each other through like. Everything.
> 
> [Peter] Yeah, pretty much.
> 
> [Sam] So like when we were little we were both like -- okay I never know how to describe this? Like if we were girls I’d say we were tomboys when we were little but like --
> 
> [Peter] Yeah, no, I think about that all the time, like, how do you describe an experience that’s like, particular to a gender that like -- you’re not?
> 
> [Sam] That’s the hashtag trans experience.

**Transcript: Video Titled “July,” posted July 5, 2017 to YouTube channel “transketchuppacket”**

**[Sam sits at his desk, wearing a two-tone baseball tee.]** My name is Sam Ecklund, and this is my voice one month on T.

 **[Sam turns his face to the left.]** Dude, that’s your cue.

 **[Peter’s voice, off-camera.]** Oh shit.

 **[Peter scoots his chair over so that he shares the frame with Sam.]** My name is Peter Maldonado, and this is my voice two years on T.

 **[Sam]** God I’ll kill you.

 **[Peter]** What??

 **[Sam]** Because you started hormones two years before me.

 **[Peter]** Wait, why is that still an issue now that you’ve started?

 **[Sam narrows his eyes.]** Because I’m a petty bitch.

 **[Sam turns back to the camera.]** Anyway.

 **[Peter]** Anyway.

 **[Sam]** Pete’s T anniversary is in like, a week.

 **[Peter]** Nine days.

 **[Sam]** Right so like he agreed to do a video with me. We’re just gonna talk about like gender shit and what we’ve been up to this summer.

 **[Peter]** Yeah.

 **[Sam]** Yeah.

 **[Peter]** So last night was the fourth of July.

 **[Sam]** Aka big fireworks and junk food night.

 **[Peter, to the camera.]** Sam loves fireworks.

 **[Sam]** What can I say, they’re bright and loud and colorful. My lizard brain is filled with joy.

 **[Peter]** So a bunch of families who know each other just like all camped out together at the fairgrounds and there was this big barbeque picnic. It was really fun, actually.

 **[Sam]** We snuck off to set off bottle rockets, that was the actually fun part.

 **[Peter]** That was the anxiety-inducing part.

 **[Sam]** Wuss.

 **[Peter]** Hey!

 **[Sam]** You talked to teachers about ball hairs and got suspended during the doc, I feel like that should have cured you of your fear of getting in trouble for shit.

 **[Peter]** Well like yeah but there was a non-zero possibility of like the fucking snapple jar you were putting little fireworks in exploding and you were standing way too close and --

 **[Sam]** Aww, were you worried about me?

 **[Peter]** Dude, I mean. Like, yeah I guess.

 **[Sam]** Aww.

 **[Peter]** Shut up.

 **[Sam]** Okay so anyway yeah. Fourth of July. Lizard brain delighted.

 **[Peter]** And the rest of the summer has been like pretty chill other than college stuff.

 **[Sam]** College stuff is not chill.

 **[Peter]** College stuff is never chill.

 **[Sam]** But yeah it’s been good.

 **[Peter]** And one month on T.

 **[Sam]** Yeah! So like, not the most exciting changes at this point. I have more acne. Thanks, I hate it. Not much of a voice change that I’ve noticed but that’s not really supposed to hit for a bit. Um. What else. Oh, uh. Hormones make you super horny. **[Looks at camera.]** Who knew.

 **[Peter]** Yeah there’s a lot of stuff that doesn’t hit until like. Around three months? It depends, obviously.

 **[Sam]** Yeah but definitely stuff to look forward to.

 **[Peter]** Definitely.

 **[Sam]** I wanted to actually spend most of this video just like. Talking about us and gender? Because it’s really something that we’ve like, done together. That makes it sound like a group project, that sounds totally weird --

 **[Peter]** No, dude, I know what you mean. Like we’ve seen each other through it all.

 **[Sam]** Yeah, exactly.

 **[Peter]** And I mean, it’s really hard for me to imagine where and how I would have landed in terms of gender if it weren’t for you. Like, I’m a dude and I would have been even if I’d never met you, but it’s hard to imagine how I would have come to that realization without our friendship.

 **[Sam]** Bro…

 **[Peter]** Bro.

 **[Sam]** Okay, so we’ve been friends --

 **[Peter]** Best friends --

 **[Sam]** Best friends since third grade, which means we’ve known each other through like. Everything.

 **[Peter]** Yeah, pretty much.

 **[Sam]** So like when we were little we were both like -- okay I never know how to describe this? Like if we were girls I’d say we were tomboys when we were little but like --

 **[Peter]** Yeah, no, I think about that all the time, like, how do you describe an experience that’s like, particular to a gender that like -- you’re not?

 **[Sam]** That’s the hashtag trans experience.

 **[Peter]** Like for real though, it’s so difficult to figure out like. How to describe your own childhood.

 **[Sam]** For lack of a better word, I will describe us as tomboys. We both wore like. Cargo shorts and t-shirts, pretty much exclusively. You had a bowl cut.

 **[Peter]** And you had like super long hair that you never ever brushed.

 **[Sam]** Yeah, my mom basically had to pin me down to brush my hair. Honestly I don’t know why she didn’t just like, cut it all off.

 **[Peter]** But then we got to middle school --

 **[Sam]** And we started trying to do gender! Like actively trying to do gender. Like we were doing some kind of gender in elementary school but I don’t know what that was.

 **[Peter]** That was like. Feral gender.

 **[Sam]** That’s like exactly what it was.

 **[Peter]** So like I started identifying as a lesbian --

 **[Sam]** Your first coming out!

 **[Peter]** Yeah, exactly, and I like? Basically dressed the same way as I did in elementary school?

 **[Sam]** There were a lot of flannels if I remember correctly.

 **[Peter]** Yeah, for sure. But it was like, basically the same, but I started being like, intentional about it?

 **[Sam]** Yeah there was definitely that just hitting puberty element of like, really starting to realize that you’re supposed to be like...Doing Girlhood is some way?

 **[Peter]** And I decided that a super gay way was the only way I could do it.

 **[Sam]** I, meanwhile, went in a wildly different direction. I wore dresses. **[Turning to camera.]** So many dresses.

 **[Peter]** It is seriously so weird to remember that.

 **[Sam]** Yeah. Don’t picture it. I will sue you if you have like a visual memory of that time.

 **[Peter]** Scrubbed clean out of my brain.

 **[Sam]** Thank god. Yeah I had this like very weird phase of like waaaaay overdoing femininity in a totally doomed attempt to like, convince myself that I could actually be a girl. So for like sixth and a bit of seventh grade grade I like wore dresses and makeup and like, heels? Which like, first of all, we were like eleven so, what the fuck, and second -- anyway. So like that was a thing for a while and then I just sort of. Snapped.

 **[Peter]** Dude this is one of my favorite stories.

 **[Sam]** Do you wanna tell it?

 **[Peter]** No, no, it’s your story.

 **[Sam]** I mean, it’s sort of yours, too. Like it’s ours.

 **[Peter]** Yeah, but like -- you tell it.

 **[Sam]** Okay so like this was like November of seventh grade and I was like sitting at home having the culmination of like a multi-year freakout about like, this girl that I was trying to be and the fact that she was like. Completely not me. Like she was fine and she was like? Pretty I guess? God this is so weird to try to describe. Like okay there was this person I was pretending to be and it’s not like I hated her because like. Yeah. She was pretty and like she had friends and boys paid attention to her as much as like twelve year old boys pay attention to anything and like, I wanted all that stuff but I also knew on some level that there was like, no continuity between my internal like, self, and this girl who had like friends and pretty dresses and shit. So like, I was thinking about all of that and I just like couldn’t really deal with it so I snuck out and went to Peter’s house.

 **[Peter]** This was like. 10pm.

 **[Sam]** Yeah so like if you’re 12 you have to sneak out.

 **[Peter]** Yeah, fair.

 **[Sam]** So I snuck out and went to Peter’s house.

 **[Peter]** Where you very sneakily knocked on the front door.

 **[Sam]** Where I knocked on your front door and was like, hey, Mrs. Maldonado, I really need to talk to Peter.

 **[Peter]** Well, you said --

 **[Sam]** I really need to talk to name redacted.

**[Peter laughs.]**

**[Sam]** And Peter’s mom is an absolute champ, true trans ally, because she let me in and like didn’t call my mom or anything. So I go to Peter’s room and I start just like, word-vomiting all this stuff at him and he’s like, dude. Dude. We need to cut your hair.

 **[Peter]** At this point I really don’t feel like I could explain what made me make that leap.

 **[Sam]** You just like. Knew.

 **[Peter]** Yeah.

 **[Sam]** Yeah. So like, Peter grabs a pair of scissors from his pencil case that I swear to god he still has and like carries in his backpack at all times and we went to the bathroom and Peter cut off all my hair.

 **[Peter]** It looked bad.

 **[Sam]** Like it looked really bad.

 **[Peter]** Like I think it would actually have been okay if I just like, put it in like a ponytail and chopped it and then left it like that but I was like no, I have to make this like a real haircut so I like, kept clipping off bits trying to make it even and it just kept getting worse and worse.

 **[Sam]** Yeah luckily your mom started like banging on the door at some point because we were like clearly up to no good and you opened the door and she was just like. Oh my god. Oh honey.

 **[Peter]** So basically what happened was my mom, once again a true trans ally, called Sam’s mom and was like hey! Sam --

 **[Sam]** Name redacted --

 **[Peter]** Name redacted is staying overnight okay see you tomorrow!

 **[Sam]** Which like, thankfully I have five siblings so my parents are always like, a little unsure of where all of us are at any given time so I could get away with that.

 **[Peter]** Yeah.

 **[Sam]** But like, I guess I already had  a sense that this wasn’t like, an innocent childhood chopping off all your hair because you were playing with scissors thing and I like begged your mom not to tell my parents what happened. So the next morning she took me to a salon and I got like. A pixie cut. They really managed to salvage it pretty impressively.

 **[Peter]** Yeah it looked good. Like not really you but like, it didn’t look like a 12-year-old had hacked it all off with a pair of safety scissors.

 **[Sam]** Yeah. So we went back to my place and my parents were understandably like. What the fuck.

 **[Peter]** And my mom -- I think she must have thought it up beforehand -- but she just like completely fluently tells this absolutely made up story about how we’d like been making hot chocolate and heating up the milk on the stove and Sam’s hair caught fire and we like put it out super quickly and everyone was fine but the hair was pretty badly singed so she took us to the salon to get a haircut and she was like so so sorry and she would never let us cook again ever and like. Your parents totally bought it.

 **[Sam]** Kind of ballsy of her, honestly.

 **[Peter]** Yeah, I love my mom.

 **[Sam]** Aww.

 **[Peter]** Shut up.

 **[Sam]** Okay so fast forward like a year and a half --

 **[Peter]** We’re talking summer after eighth grade?

 **[Sam]** Yeah.

 **[Peter]** Oh man.

 **[Sam]** Yeah this is the big one. So like between the haircut and that summer I had like butched up significantly.

 **[Peter]** Yeah like you were only wearing pants by then, yeah?

 **[Sam]** Yeah and I had like totally stopped wearing makeup and jewelry and stuff.

 **[Peter]** I looked. Exactly the same.

 **[Sam laughs.]** Yeah. So like we spent about 80% of that summer in your basement like. Eating junk food and watching all seven season of _Gilmore Girls._

 **[Peter]** How did that even start?

 **[Sam]** That’s a really good question, and the answer is I do not know. But it definitely continued because we got to season two and we both really wanted to look like Jess Mariano.

 **[Peter]** Yeah we like really wanted to look like Jess Mariano.

 **[Sam]** Anyway so like we had this like joint, Rory Gilmore-induced, What Is Girlhood crisis.

 **[Peter]** We must have been somewhere in season six --

 **[Sam]** Yeah it was season six because Rory was like, having her quarter life crisis and living in her grandparents’ like? Garage?

 **[Peter]** Pool house.

 **[Sam]** Right, and she’s like dressing like a little DAR lady.

 **[Peter]** Right.

 **[Sam]** So we were like sitting on the couch at like midnight in a salt and vinegar chip induced semi-coma talking about the weird DAR lady outfits and I was like hey, Peter. Hey, name redacted. I don’t wanna end up like that. And you were understandably like, why would you end up like that.

 **[Peter]** But it like? Turned into this conversation about turning into our moms?

 **[Sam]** Yeah, yeah, exactly. And somehow it went from like, oh my god we don’t want to become our mothers to oh my god we don’t want to become women to oh my god we don’t want to be girls.

 **[Peter]** And eventually I was like hey. I think I’m a dude.

 **[Sam]** And I was like. Kermit nodding gif.

 **[Peter]** Oh my god.

 **[Sam]** What?

 **[Peter]** Seriously only you would describe coming out like that.

 **[Sam]** I mean that’s basically how it went down.

 **[Peter]** You’re not wrong but like. Oh my god.

 **[Sam]** So yeah. That was basically our gender journey.

 **[Peter]** I mean there’s stuff after that.

 **[Sam]** Stories for another time. I want salt and vinegar chips.

 **[Peter]** Oh dude. Me too.

 **[Sam]** Okay. See ya next month!

**[Both wave to the camera.]**


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Sam sits at his desk in tank top printed with the words SUNS OUT GUNS OUT in bright orange letters. Clearly visible underneath is a dark green binder.] My name is Sam Ecklund, and this is my voice two months on T.
> 
> [Gabi scoots into frame on a rolling chair, bumping into Sam hard enough that his chair nearly tips over] And I’m Gabi Granger.
> 
> [Sam] And that’s what her voice has always been like.
> 
> [Gabi] Well, okay, I like to think I don’t sound exactly the same as I did when I was like five.
> 
> [Sam] Believe what you gotta believe.
> 
> [She elbows him hard in the ribs.]

**Transcript: Video Titled “August,” posted August 5, 2017 to YouTube channel “transketchuppacket”**

**[Sam sits at his desk in tank top printed with the words SUNS OUT GUNS OUT in bright orange letters. Clearly visible underneath is a dark green binder.]** My name is Sam Ecklund, and this is my voice two months on T.

 **[Gabi scoots into frame on a rolling chair, bumping into Sam hard enough that his chair nearly tips over]** And I’m Gabi Granger.

 **[Sam]** And that’s what her voice has always been like.

 **[Gabi]** Well, okay, I like to think I don’t sound exactly the same as I did when I was like five.

 **[Sam]** Believe what you gotta believe.

**[She elbows him hard in the ribs.]**

**[Sam]** Okay, okay, you sound completely different. ANYWAY. I invited Gabi to do this video with me because it turns out they’re way more fun when I’m not alone and she’ll be gone by the time I’m doing my September video so this is probably my last chance to nab her until -- what, winter break?

 **[Gabi]** Yeah, I’ll still be around January fifth, so I could do that one.

 **[Sam]** Gross, that’s so long from now.

 **[Gabi]** I know, I’m sorry kiddo.

 **[Sam]** So are you excited to abandon me?

 **[Gabi]** Thanks for asking, I’m actually super excited to start my second year at college. I’m going to be taking some pretty cool courses and I get to see my girlfriend, who I didn’t get to visit all summer.

 **[Sam]** Isn’t that because she was in like. Genovia.

 **[Gabi]** Okay you know Genovia is fictional right?

 **[Sam]** Are you telling me Anne Hathaway _isn’t_ a real-life princess? **[Turning to camera.]** My heart is breaking as we speak.

 **[Gabi]** But yeah she was in Genoa.

 **[Sam, to the camera]** For those of you who don’t personally know Gabi, her girlfriend is crazy rich and also will remain nameless because she’s pretty antsy about social media stuff.

 **[Gabi, to the camera]** Yeah, some crazy shit went down at her high school when she was a senior. Like, _crazy_ shit like, **[To Sam.]** I wish you and Peter could have investigated like you did with the dicks. **[To the camera.]** But anyway, it involved social media and she was targeted so like Sam said, she values her online privacy.

 **[Sam]** Not quite what I said.

 **[Gabi]** Yeah I said it nicer.

 **[Sam]** She seems cool though.

 **[Gabi]** Yeah, she’s super super cool. She’s like really funny and strong and interesting. I probably shouldn’t say anything too specific here because like. See above.

 **[Sam]** I’d be jealous if I were a lesbian.

 **[Gabi]** Or like. If you were straight.

 **[Sam]** That literally did not even occur to me.

 **[Gabi]** Or if you were bi.

 **[Sam]** Listen, sometimes I’m just stupid, okay?

 **[Gabi]** Okay I do think it’s really funny though that you like, never even had a gay crisis. Just leapfrogged right over that.

 **[Sam]** That’s true. Like I was so sure about being into dudes that when I came out as trans it like, barely even crossed my mind that that might change. **[To the camera.]** That’s how gay I am.

 **[Gabi]** Meanwhile Peter is --

 **[Sam]** Peter is Petering.

 **[Gabi]** Yeah. We can leave it at that.

 **[Sam, to the camera]** This will probably all make more sense next time Peter is on and we talk about our coming out process post-that _Gilmore Girls_ marathon.

 **[Gabi]** Yeah, let’s stick to us. If you can not talk about Peter for a full video.

 **[Sam]** Hey! You brought him up.

 **[Gabi]** So Sam how was July?

 **[Sam]** It was good, it was good. Still lots of dodging parents because I don’t want to work on college apps. I mean, it’s still the middle of summer --

 **[Gabi]** Yeah but seriously if you can get most of that shit out of the way before classes start --

 **[Sam]** I know, I know, that’s what my parents and Peter --

 **[Gabi]** Hah!

 **[Sam]** What?

 **[Gabi]** I knew you couldn’t go the rest of the video without bringing up Peter.

 **[Sam]** Oh my god, he’s my best friend, of course he’s going to come up. But like, if I wanted to not talk about him I could totally go the rest of the video without mentioning him.

 **[Gabi]** Wanna bet?

 **[Sam]** Seriously?

 **[Gabi]** Yeah.

 **[Sam]** Five bucks.

 **[Gabi]** You’re on.

 **[Sam]** So all the people in my life who have sticks up their asses have been reminding me that my senior fall will be way less crazy if I just get all the work done now but like. It’s summer. Senior fall is gonna be super stressful anyway.

 **[Gabi]** Your logic is not as good as you think it is.

 **[Sam]** Whatever. Wait, do you know what I haven’t talked about?

 **[Gabi]** Peter?

 **[Sam]** Changes this month on T. Like the literal purpose of these videos.

 **[Gabi]** Oh, whoops.

 **[Sam]** So my voice is starting to change! That’s exciting. Not like totally thrilled about the thirteen year old boy squeaking thing but like, they don’t call it puberty two for nothing.

 **[Gabi]** Sick Mitksi reference.

 **[Sam]** Oh my god.

 **[Gabi]** Go on.

 **[Sam]** The acne continues. I’m in hell. I need to look like a Disney prince like stat.

 **[Gabi, ruffling his hair]** You already look like a Disney prince.

 **[Sam, fixing his hair]** A pimple-ridden Disney prince. Anyway. Definitely noticing some like fat and muscle changes which is dope. Love gaining muscle while doing absolutely no work for it. Thanks T.

 **[Gabi]** You’re still like. A beanpole.

 **[Sam]** Yeah but like, a slightly more toned beanpole. With less hips. Which is definitely making the acne feel more worth it. I think that’s about it for T updates. That I’m sharing online, that is. I do have like, some boundaries.

 **[Gabi]** Two or three.

 **[Sam]** Definitely not more than three.

 **[Gabi]** We have to skype like all the time this semester because I refuse to come back in December and not be able to recognize your voice.

 **[Sam]** I mean, you’ll be watching the videos, right?

 **[Gabi]** Are you saying you DON’T want to skype all the time?

 **[Sam]** Okay, no, obviously not.

 **[Gabi]** Obviously you don’t want to skype all the time?

 **[Sam]** Oh my god.

 **[Gabi]** But like seriously. Can I be like, just a lil bit sappy for a sec.

 **[Sam]** Dare I say yes?

 **[Gabi]** So like, we’ve known each other basically our whole lives. You’re my oldest friend in the whole world and I love you like, a lot.

 **[Sam]** This is just a little bit sappy?

 **[Gabi]** Sam I _will_ punch you. Anyway, I’m cis so I don’t have like, the same understanding of your experience through all of this as Peter does, but it’s still been really super amazing to see you come out and start to transition and everything. Like, I’m just really proud of you and happy for you and like, I don’t want to just hear your voice changing from month to month, you know? I want to hear it every day, or like every week at least.

 **[Sam]** Dude you’re gonna make me tear up on camera. Oh god. I’m totally not crying on camera.

 **[Gabi]** C’mere.

**[They hug.]**

**[Sam]** I’m gonna miss you so much.

 **[Gabi]** I’m not going away for like another three weeks.

 **[Sam]** Yeah but I have to start being mopey about it now or it’ll interfere with my schoolwork.

 **[Gabi]** But seriously, we’ll skype all the time. More than last year, last year was kind of crazy.

 **[Sam]** I mean you got a girlfriend like. Two months in. Who does that.

 **[Gabi]** Beautiful perfect people like me.

 **[Sam]** But yeah you’re not allowed to disappear for weeks at a time this year.

 **[Gabi]** I won’t, I won’t. That was a freshman year exclusive. And you have to keep me updated on crazy Hanover gossip and your apps and uhhh the other thing we discussed before we turned on the camera.

 **[Sam]** There’s not gonna be any updates. Like, seriously, it’s not going anywhere.

 **[Gabi]** Stranger things have happened. Like, much much stranger. Like I’ll be more surprised if I like my new roommate than if. You know. There are updates.

 **[Sam]** I’m sure this is super exciting and interesting for viewers.

 **[Gabi]** Okay, okay, I’m just saying like. Let me know.

 **[Sam]** Like obviously you’re the first person I would tell, immediately. Like if redacted was redacting me I would literally be texting you as it happened.

 **[Gabi]** Oh hey, does that count as --

 **[Sam]** No, it doesn’t, and if you finish that sentence I’m going to have to cut this whole section and I hate editing so hush.

 **[Gabi]** Okay, okay.

 **[Sam]** But yeah obviously I will keep you more updated than you have ever wanted to be.

 **[Gabi]** Good.

 **[Sam, to the camera]** Okay, Gabi and I have a hot date getting ice cream by the swimming pool and then sitting on the deck chairs and wishing we could go swimming. Like obviously Gabi could go swimming but she’ll be sitting with me in solidarity because she’s the world’s number two trans ally.

 **[Gabi]** Number two???

 **[Sam]** Mrs. Maldonado is number one.

 **[Gabi]** Oh yeah that’s fair.

 **[Sam]** Okay you good to go? 

**[Gabi]** Yep!

 **[Sam]** Okay signing off. Byeeeeeee!

 **[Gabi]** Byeeeeeee!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Peter] So yeah school has started again.
> 
> [Sam] Doing the “oh hey Sam you look/sound/whatever different” which is like not great but I like to think I’m handling it gracefully.
> 
> [Peter, to the camera] He mostly just stares people down while drinking a capri sun. 
> 
> [Sam] Yeah the combo of my uncanny ability to go a super long time without blinking and the speed at which I’m able to slurp fruit juice through a straw usually like pretty effectively scares people off the topic.

**Transcript: Video Titled “September,” posted September 5, 2017 to YouTube channel “transketchuppacket”**

**[Sam sits at his desk wearing a grey tee shirt. Next to him, Peter is typing on his phone]** My name is Sam Ecklund, and this is my voice three months on T.  **[He elbows Peter.]** Dude.

**[Peter]** What? They already know who I am.

**[Sam]** Yeah but I introduce myself every time. You have to do it too or it’ll like be weird.

**[Peter]** I’m Peter Maldonado and this is my voice two years and three months on T.

**[Sam]** Did that kill you?

**[Peter]** Like it could have.

**[Sam]** Honestly I don’t feel like my voice has really changed much this month.

**[Peter]** Really? I feel like I’ve noticed a difference. I think it’s just because like it’s your own voice and after the initial changes it’s like sort of hard to track the shifts. I think if you watched this video and last month’s video back to back you’d totally hear a difference.

**[Sam]** Yeah I guess that’s true.

**[Peter]** Oh speaking of the last video -- two things.

**[Sam]** Yeah?

**[Peter]** One, did Gabi ever give you the five bucks?

**[Sam]** Yeah it came in the form of her paying for my ice cream at the swimming pool.  **[To the camera.]** Three scoops.

**[Peter]** One point five --

**[Sam]** Hey! How is that allowed?

**[Peter]** There aren’t any rules here. One point five, I think it’s really funny that you needed a five dollar bet to shut up about me. Then number two, what was the whole redacted thing about?

**[Sam]** Nothing.

**[Peter]** Oh dude, you’re blushing so hard.

**[Sam, covering his face]** Shut the fuck up oh my god.

**[Peter]** Man what was that? Who’s redacted?

**[Sam]** I’m so not telling you. Like ever but like especially not on camera.

**[Peter]** Okay, fine. But like I’m totally gonna keep bugging you about this off camera.

**[Sam]** Cool, I’ll murder you off camera.

**[Peter]** Yeah always best to commit felonies off camera.

**[Sam]** Is murder a felony?

**[Peter]** I mean -- yeah? I think? Oh shit is it not?

**[Sam]** I always thought a felony was like...less serious. Like not un-serious but like less than murder.

**[Peter]** Okay wait we should google this.

**[Cut]**

**[Peter]** Okay we googled it and we still don’t know.

**[Sam]** We think murder is probably a felony but like. We’re not totally sure.

**[Peter]** Anyway.

**[Sam]** Anyway.

**[Peter]** So yeah school has started again.

**[Sam]** Doing the “oh hey Sam you look/sound/whatever different” which is like not great but I like to think I’m handling it gracefully.

**[Peter, to the camera]** He mostly just stares people down while drinking a capri sun. 

**[Sam]** Yeah the combo of my uncanny ability to go a super long time without blinking and the speed at which I’m able to slurp fruit juice through a straw usually like pretty effectively scares people off the topic.

**[Peter]** Dude can I say something?

**[Sam]** I probably couldn’t stop you if I wanted to so like yeah.

**[Peter]** I’m like kind of jealous of your ability to just like, not deal with people’s shit. Like I always answered people’s questions and was like always super polite and stuff and honestly I wish I had like, I don’t know, the spine to just like. Chug a capri sun and walk away.

**[Sam]** To be fair the capri sun was only one time.

 **[Peter]** Yeah but like the capri sun is sort of always there in spirit.

**[Sam]** I mean I think you have plenty of spine just in like, other areas. I guess I always saw it as just like. You’re nicer than me.

**[Peter]** That’s sweet of you.

**[Sam]** I mean I just don’t have the patience, you know? And like I’m not going to beat myself up about it or whatever because like it’s not my job to educate anyone but tbh I’d rather our classmates learn about trans shit from you than like whatever shitty trans 101 comes up if you google their dumb questions.

**[Peter]** Yeah, that’s true. I guess I just like. Admire you?

**[Sam]** Aww.

**[Peter]** Okay but don’t be weird about it.

**[Sam]** AWW.

**[Peter]** I’m so glad I don’t blush as easily as you.

**[Sam]** Man, how do you always manage to turn this kind of thing around.

**[Peter]** Okay but school.

**[Sam]** Is still super boring. 

**[Peter]** You totally used to like school.

**[Sam]** I’m over it.

**[Peter]** Yeah I’m getting that sense.  **[To the camera.]** He was literally eating pickles out of the jar in Spanish class the other day.

**[Sam]** It’s just like...I don’t know, something about hitting senior year and finally being on T I just like, sort of realized how little of it matters? If that makes sense? Like who fucking cares. My grades will be fine. If a college doesn’t let me in because I was tardy once I will personally fistfight the admissions officer responsible for my rejection.

**[Peter, to the camera]** He used to be such an earnest little muppet baby. How times have changed.

**[Sam]** Don’t say that, I want the viewers to think I’ve always been this cool.

**[Peter]** Yeah once again I’ve got two things. One, you have like seven viewers, and I’m pretty sure three of those are me and two are Gabi. Two, you’re not cool.

**[Sam, to the camera]** I’m so cool.

**[Peter]** Okay but I am kind of relieved that high school is pretty much over.

**[Sam]** Oh yeah.

**[Peter]** Like I think one of the funny side effects of doing  _ Vandal,  _ like especially with it going viral, is that it sort of gave me this new sense of the scope of things outside of Hanover and like also just gave me a sense that I’m going to do cool things in the future and with high school I just feel? Restricted?

**[Sam]** Yeah, I know what you mean.

**[Peter]** Which is funny because we did  _ Vandal  _ totally as high schoolers and it was so much about high school and we couldn’t have done it at any other point in our lives but after we finished that it was sort of like. Okay what do we do next, like how do we keep creating at this level? And it didn’t really feel like something we could do at Hanover.

**[Sam]** Yeah I think we’re both super over high school and it’s just like coming out in really different ways.

**[Peter]** Like eating pickles in class vs doing way more college research than necessary.

**[Sam]** Yeah exactly.

**[Peter]** This is why we’re such great friends.

**[Sam]** Wait, what?

**[Peter]** Like we’re super different and super similar at the same time. 

**[Sam]** Okay I kind of get it. 

**[Peter]** Like, I feel like this happens a lot, that we’ll be feeling pretty much the exact same thing but express it in like, ways that are so completely different that people who don’t know us super well wouldn’t think we’re experiencing like even sort of similar things.

**[Sam]** Oh yeah totally. Like we feel a lot of the same shit but express it completely differently.

**[Peter]** Yeah exactly.

**[Sam]** Huh. That’s cool. I hadn’t thought about that before.

**[Peter]** Yeah. I’ll miss you.

**[Sam]** Like when we go to college?

**[Peter]** Yeah. That’s pretty much the only thing that makes me sad that high school is ending.

**[Sam]** Aww.

**[Peter]** Don’t be like -- don’t joke about it.

**[Sam]** Dude, I was just --

**[Peter]** You’ve been my best friend for so long and like -- I know when you joke about it that doesn’t mean you don’t take it seriously and humor is a coping mechanism or whatever -- 

**[Sam]** Hey --

**[Peter]** So like I’m not hurt or anything, I just. I just don’t want to joke about it.

**[Sam]** Okay.

**[Peter]** Okay.

**[Sam]** I wasn’t trying to make a joke out of it. 

**[Peter]** What -- Sam, you --

**[Sam]** Like, I get that it came off that way because like I’m sarcastic enough of the time that -- like, I sincerely meant that I think it’s sweet that even though you hate high school you’ll be sad for it to end because you’ll miss me.

**[Peter]** Oh.

**[Sam]** So you just. Had a lil fight with yourself there about nothing.

**[Peter]** Oh. Okay so to be fair I don’t know if you have in your entire life said “aww” sincerely.

**[Sam]** I mean like, when I see a kitten probably.

**[Peter]** It’s also possible that I’m a little bit sensitive right now.

**[Sam]** I can like cut all this if you want.

**[Peter]** No no no, it’s not a big deal, it’s fine, leave it in, I know how much you hate editing. And like, three people are watching this so it doesn’t matter and I really meant it when I said I wish I had a real diary from my first year on T. And I know you’d take my eyes out if I tried to sit you down to write an actual diary so this is the closest thing -- the point is that when I told you that you should do this, it was because I wanted you to have a document of this year that’s real. And me getting in my head about stuff is a totally real part of your life.

**[Sam]** That’s true.

**[Peter]** So you know. Leave it in.

**[Sam]** Okay. 

**[Peter]** Anyway. I’ll miss you.

**[Sam]** I’ll miss you too.

**[Peter]** This is like. The absolute most sincere you can get without breaking, isn’t it?

**[Sam]** Yeah we’re reaching my upper limit.

**[Peter]** Okay. Well, I’m looking forward to meeting new people, anyway. 

**[Sam]** To replace me.

**[Peter]** Yeah exactly. But like seriously you know I kind of suck at making new friends, but I really want to try in college. I mean it just sucks being trans here because firstly everyone has known me forever and I can’t like, even the people who are good allies and everything -- I can’t go into their brains and scrub out my pre-transition self. 

**[Sam]** Yeah, I feel that. Like it would just be nice to have some people who just like. Meet me as a boy and that’s it and it’s sort of cut and dry.

**[Peter]** Yeah. And like secondly I’m obviously so so so lucky to have my best friend also be trans and that just makes everything less lonely but I still really want to meet other trans people, you know, somewhere other than tumblr. It’s kind of always just been you and me.

**[Sam]** Yeah.

**[Peter]** I feel like sometimes because I always had you I just sort of got away with not trying to be friends with anyone else. Like, you’re my person, and as long as I have a person I don’t get lonely or feel like a loser or whatever. And you’re a great person, so why would I -- you know? So I just never put in the effort. Not that I’m like, blaming you for the fact that I haven’t -- you know. But I’m really going to try at college.

**[Sam]** Me too.

**[Peter]** You’ll have loads of friends.

**[Sam]** You think?

**[Peter]** Dude, people love you. Like, people love you right away.

**[Sam]** But that doesn’t mean -- like, being funny and charming at parties is super different from being able to make long-term friendships.

**[Peter]** Okay, sure, but you’re also way better than me at making real friends.

**[Sam]** Yeah, I guess, maybe, but --

**[Peter]** Oh my god dude are you seriously arguing with me about whether you have better social skills than I do? You’ve literally compared my social skills to the social skills of a mole.

**[Sam]** Jokingly!

**[Peter]** Yeah but like -- 

**[Sam]** I just mean -- okay, I make friends easier than you do, sure, fine. But like. You’re my person too, okay? 

**[Peter]** I know.

**[Sam]** Oh my god.

**[Peter]** What?

**[Sam]** It’s just -- that was -- like you did the Han Solo thing.

**[Peter]** It’s not the Han Solo thing every time someone says “I know.”

**[Sam]** Yeah but -- never mind.

**[Peter]** But yeah, I know I’m your person. That’s the nice thing about the whole best friend arrangement.

**[Sam]** It is pretty sweet. 

**[Peter]** Okay I think we’re approaching your maximum sincerity level again. 

**[Sam]** Twice in a day.

**[Peter]** Twice in a conversation.

**[Sam]** Yeah, we better shut this shit down. You wanna watch a movie or something.

**[Peter]** I mean. The answer to that question is literally always going to be yes.

**[Sam]** Okay three people who watch these videos, see you in October! Bye.

**[Peter]** Bye!

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to angie for editing & L for galaxy-braining me into realizing peter is trans!


End file.
